Self-preservation

Self-preservation and the lack of it. That is mmy downfall in life and in career.

I need to focus on WHAT I WANT and be focused in the pursuit of it.
At home, I need to focus on what I want and not leave the responsibility of figuring what I want and need to the only other person living under the same roof. That is not how it works. I began to understand why it is sometimes perceived to be easier to live with a friend than with a close one; for me at least. With friends, I can put the facade of being okay and keep giving up, keep suppressing what I really want in exchange for the company of the other person (knowing the whole time that it will not last long). It is easy to tolerate and hold another person at bay when there is an inevitable end to the time together. However, with a close one, there is no end...the suppression becomes a nagging tick at the back of your mind and eventually you accidentally give in and explode over the smallest mis-communication. Why do couples who were friends first usually fare better? Maybe because they've had the time to accommodate each other. However, with the rate of divorce nowadays, who knows what the secret to a forever marriage is?

In regards to my career, it's the same old story with me in a different setting. I am currently in a situation where I let my bosses do as they may with my project(s) and 'career'. However, there is no overt animosity. They are silently given permission (by my lack of resistance and self-preservation) - they don't even know they're doing it. I roll along until there's something I can't stand or when someone else points out the flaw in our system - me.

I've been talking to my sister lately and it seems that she has some bad habits (personality-wise, career-wise, work-wise, etc...) as I did in my mid-20's. I believe it's hereditary...however, I do understand that is a little far-fetched because more likely it is because of our upbringing, what we witnessed when we were children, and what we promised ourselves that we won't become. As a close one once said, "we have a weak constitution". Weak constitution - how aptly that phrase describes the life sentence of the Lee family. I cannot continue to blame my parents for my personality flaws (although, honestly, I know I will not stop subconsciously but I will try to consciously stop 'this' bad habit). I can only hope that my brother who bears different physical characteristics than my sister and myself will also be spared this mental torment in his mid-20's.

I need to get some work done now.

My little brother...