Ideas

I thought of a couple of good ideas for discussion yesterday but after a night of drinking and a day of sleeping, I've lost them. Perhaps, they'll resurface sometime soon.

I just updated myself on my cousin's trip to Shanghai - semester abroad program. I am living vicariously through her experience so it's important that I avidly read her blogs and drool over the pictures she has taken of that gorgeous city. Living vicariously in 2 ways: 1) I've always wanted to study abroad, in HS and in college, but due to familial obligations and financial restrictions, it never happened...2) the actual destination itself, I watched Chinese movies growing up and there is so much sociological landmarks of history in Shanghai..I mean there are plenty all throughout China in various cities, big and small, but Shanghai is one of the fastest growing cities in China and one that was uniquely influenced in socially by westerners. Of course, I would brush up on the details before I head over there so that I can better enjoy the "wow" factor of everything I see. But that's that and is not going to happen this year. Why, you ask? Well, let's see. April - lab work planned, bachelorette party in NYC, family visiting Rochester; May - lab work planned, lab meeting, wedding in NJ; June - lab work planned, departmental seminar, wedding in FL; July - lab work planned, 80th birthday celebration cruise to Bermuda; August - annual beach outing with NJies and of course lab work that was planned ahead.

*Sigh* I mean, don't get me wrong. I am going to enjoy each and every one of the events I have mentioned above. It's just that sometimes I feel like if I carry out my wishes imminently, I will forget, get caught up in daily/weekly/monthly routines, and never go on that "awesome" trip.

Instant gratification is one phrase I use to describe my feelings but now I know it's doesn't encompass all the emotions I feel when I think I may not get something done. However, I was thinking just today how much I am like a child. I mean, those who know me well will agree to a certain extent. Specifically, today, I was thinking about how I can't seem to focus on my research training and hence soon-to-be career. I want to try so many different things, like a kid! Just trying, not actually trying to see if I like it (of course, part of it is for that reason). I understand that as you grow older, you will maintain a certain degree of curiosity. "Tendency to try new things is a good thing to have, to spice up your life", some might say. But what if I never learned how to find a subject or line of work I really like and just follow through with it? Which I'm pretty sure right about now, it is my issue. My father has always been a procrastinator and never really one to finish up a project, even the promising ones. I've realized recently that I bear the same character traits but luckily I was given the chance to go to a magnet high school, college, and graduate school. All three institutions that provided me with an environment to learn and grow and become more independent. However, as I approach higher education and more independent thinking was required, I found myself faltering. I wasn't sure if I want to go through with it. Doubts filled my mind. Correction: I AM not sure if I want to go through with this and doubts fill my mind as we type. The big question with no definite answer: is this the right path for me?

Yes, we're back to that. Because it's my life! It's what I have face every morning when I get up to go to work and every night when I go to bed. So, I come to this conclusion so far. I still have no answer for my question. However, I conclude that I must complete this Ph.D. training program and receive my degree. It is in my best interest to do so. That is definite. I think...I know?

And then I swear to the trees and birds, that I will visit Shanghai one day.

Appetite

It's really weird.

I took a big bite out of the inside of my lower lip while I was eating my salad Tuesday night. Two unbearable canker sores have developed, marking where I bit myself; just in case I forgot how careless I was - chewing! Sigh....

However, that is not the weird part. The thing is, I notice today how I have been eating nonstop. I had a full breakfast, a cup of tea, a complete lunch, and snacks throughout the afternoon. I don't usually eat this much at work! I believe I am subconsciously eating to distract myself from 1) messing with the sores and 2) the pain when the insides of my lips accidentally brush up against my bottom row of teeth in just the wrong way.

It is entirely possible that I am just hungry today. I doubt it because I have not done anything that would make me hungry. Ah well, the mysteries of life - I hope my lips will mysteriously heal overnight. (I guess I should stop coating the open wounds in balsamic vinegar and grapefruit juice then.)

Wednesday night...

It's Wednesday night. What does that normally mean for you? For me, I have a show that I typically watch - Criminal Minds. It's interesting due to its capture of the profiling aspect of FBI taskforces. Sometimes I like to play psychologist so that's probably why I became intrigued with this show. *shrug* Why do people want to excel in certain areas - medicine, journalism, psychology, research, literature, cinema, theater, music? What is their motivation? Of course, there's the obvious answer - it's their interest, their obsession. But what about those who do not live or breathe their career? They just excel. Why? I mean, why do we humans want to do better? What is that urge, I mean besides evolution? *shrug*

Alright, so these questions are not coming from nowhere. For a long time, I have been trying to figure out what I am trying to do with my life? Revisiting my path to graduate school. How did I get here? Was it just a chain of serendipitous incidents? Of course not. There had to have been conscious decisions mixed in. I don't think I ever had a clear idea of where I want to go in life. THAT is the problem. I still have no idea where I want to go. I watch every one in my lab go about their business - some just using this experience as a stepping stone in their path, some are realistic about their time here and want to soak up as much knowledge as they can, and some are there for the ride until they find out that they really belong there or that they do not.

By the way, I've lost track of my thoughts. So that's all for now.
*shrug*

Caffeine

Well, so I have come to believe that I am currently rambling due to ingestion of Chai which lead to an overdose of caffeine and sugar.

The End.



(To be updated later.)

BIg things and Bigger things...

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/02/18/kidney.donor.craigslist/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

I wouldn't say that I am cynical but, often times, I find myself not believing certain goodwill-doings of other people. Maybe because then I'd have to admit that I am not big and brave enough to do such goodwill things? Okay, so why don't I believe them? Well, who in their right mind, just ups and gives some stranger their kidney?

When I sent this article to a friend and tagged "I don't think I could ever do something this big", she responds: "What? Posting on craigslist.com or donating a kidney?" As that question jokingly displays, I am known for my laziness and not intentionally being a non-altruistic person.

So, what does this article tell us?
1) craigslist.com is amazing...even better than facebook....
2) miracles can happen?
3) people need to be more selfless....

Inspiring as it may be, I highly doubt that a majority of its readers did more than feel a warming spot on their heart for a few minutes. Highly, highly doubt that any one ran out and put themselves on a list to give away some extraneous organ....

This post is a little weird and abrupt, I must say........And, yes, I am at work.

Only 4

Well, it's after midnight. Thus, a new day has started. AH!

Okay, time to get to bed. Good thing I already invited 4 people to read this blog. HA!

Sleepless...

It's nearly midnight and I am sitting here in my living room blogging. I never thought I would become one of "them". "Them" being bloggers. Then, it turns out that I do have things to say and to share with whomever cares to read it. Specifically, those who I share this site with AND care to read this jumble.

I just read my cousin's blog (Ching Chan's adventure in Shanghai) and it made me realize that Facebook is no longer enough. It once was, perhaps because you were a part of a selected group who could see what was going on with someone's life (that someone could be anyone from your elementary school or a friend of a friend's boyfriend you met in college). Currently, everyone is on Facebook - the novelty has worn off, too many people are reading your daily status, or the simple, sporadic updates just don't suffice.

Also, I think I started to blog elsewhere - last year sometime. I asked a pal to set up an account/website/address for me. I made one entry. Only reason I remember it now is because this page seems so familiar but only so familiar to the point that I know I only made one entry.

I've been reading more fiction novels lately. Perhaps, that is what has sparked my interest in starting a blog again. I know I've missed out and am missing out on a lot of good books but how in the world will I read them all? I guess, honestly, there is only one way - one at a time. So, it's just a matter of time.

Time - that word in itself could spark hours of conversation. Isn't it weird how time passes so fast now that we're older? Does it? It sure does feel like that way. Spring semester always went by very fast for me - in HS, in college, and now in graduate school much faster. Why is that? To touch upon a more personal time perspective, I'm married for almost 5 months now! I just started calling Joe "my husband". It's weird....is everyone growing up just like I am? Of course, but at the same time, I must ask to confirm my suspicions that people are moving on as I am inspite of all the changes occurring right in front of us.

Alrighty, I believe the last sentences are proof that I am no longer under the curse of insomnia and am in fact no longer making sense. Till tomorrow or the next day.