Ideas

I thought of a couple of good ideas for discussion yesterday but after a night of drinking and a day of sleeping, I've lost them. Perhaps, they'll resurface sometime soon.

I just updated myself on my cousin's trip to Shanghai - semester abroad program. I am living vicariously through her experience so it's important that I avidly read her blogs and drool over the pictures she has taken of that gorgeous city. Living vicariously in 2 ways: 1) I've always wanted to study abroad, in HS and in college, but due to familial obligations and financial restrictions, it never happened...2) the actual destination itself, I watched Chinese movies growing up and there is so much sociological landmarks of history in Shanghai..I mean there are plenty all throughout China in various cities, big and small, but Shanghai is one of the fastest growing cities in China and one that was uniquely influenced in socially by westerners. Of course, I would brush up on the details before I head over there so that I can better enjoy the "wow" factor of everything I see. But that's that and is not going to happen this year. Why, you ask? Well, let's see. April - lab work planned, bachelorette party in NYC, family visiting Rochester; May - lab work planned, lab meeting, wedding in NJ; June - lab work planned, departmental seminar, wedding in FL; July - lab work planned, 80th birthday celebration cruise to Bermuda; August - annual beach outing with NJies and of course lab work that was planned ahead.

*Sigh* I mean, don't get me wrong. I am going to enjoy each and every one of the events I have mentioned above. It's just that sometimes I feel like if I carry out my wishes imminently, I will forget, get caught up in daily/weekly/monthly routines, and never go on that "awesome" trip.

Instant gratification is one phrase I use to describe my feelings but now I know it's doesn't encompass all the emotions I feel when I think I may not get something done. However, I was thinking just today how much I am like a child. I mean, those who know me well will agree to a certain extent. Specifically, today, I was thinking about how I can't seem to focus on my research training and hence soon-to-be career. I want to try so many different things, like a kid! Just trying, not actually trying to see if I like it (of course, part of it is for that reason). I understand that as you grow older, you will maintain a certain degree of curiosity. "Tendency to try new things is a good thing to have, to spice up your life", some might say. But what if I never learned how to find a subject or line of work I really like and just follow through with it? Which I'm pretty sure right about now, it is my issue. My father has always been a procrastinator and never really one to finish up a project, even the promising ones. I've realized recently that I bear the same character traits but luckily I was given the chance to go to a magnet high school, college, and graduate school. All three institutions that provided me with an environment to learn and grow and become more independent. However, as I approach higher education and more independent thinking was required, I found myself faltering. I wasn't sure if I want to go through with it. Doubts filled my mind. Correction: I AM not sure if I want to go through with this and doubts fill my mind as we type. The big question with no definite answer: is this the right path for me?

Yes, we're back to that. Because it's my life! It's what I have face every morning when I get up to go to work and every night when I go to bed. So, I come to this conclusion so far. I still have no answer for my question. However, I conclude that I must complete this Ph.D. training program and receive my degree. It is in my best interest to do so. That is definite. I think...I know?

And then I swear to the trees and birds, that I will visit Shanghai one day.