It's been a while, my friends. That sentence in itself says a lot. The fact that I have busied myself for so long. The fact that I have friends to refer to. The fact I have finally made it back to this blog. All it took was a hard week at work, my husband having a guy's night out playing video games, and my need for a break from the daily grind.
There is so much in this world to appreciate. So much to look back on. Why is it that emotions take over the now, the present? And clouds your perception. If there is one thing I hope for myself, for my family, and my friends, it is perception. I know there are many who move on with life and believe that they have perception, but I hope for them that they see beyond that everyday life perception. I hope we all see the big picture. There are a lot of cliche words in this paragraph, but it's true and it must be said.
I don't believe I have it yet and thus hope for it. I hope I learn to appreciate even the smallest things in my life. I hope to better handle the relationships and friendships in my life. I hope to be the best person that I can. I hope.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
lighting-fast 2009....
"Happy New Year! oh my god, I can't believe it's 2009 already! another year of partially fulfilled resolutions has passed - um, wait, what were my resolutions....oh well, time to make new ones..."
"OMG, it's end of january already! must pass qualifier exam....must wrap and send gifts to loved ones.....must get anniversary gift.....must be prepared for February....must get back on the lab experimenting horse.....must get back to reality!"
"holy #$%^! it's almost March! wait, it is March - how did that happen?! ok, St. Patty's day green stuff extravaganza - check! ok, March madness basketball thingamajigie small talk - check! back onto work wagon and getting some stuff done - done! continue to add things to list of things that will not be done in the near future and very possibly will never get done, unless due to unusual circumstances - check!"
"g**da**it! what the hell happened to the last week in March and first week in April?! i'm serious, where did the time go? why must the universe forsaken me? why have i lost my sense of 'time' or 'progression'? *sighhhhhh*"
As the above paragraphs clarify, I somehow lived the first third of 2009 without really feeling it. Interesting, isn't it? Downright scary, eh? Is someone drugging my soymilk? 'Who are you and why am I in this handbasket?'
Well, that about sums up how I feel in recent days. Hope everyone else is doing better!
"OMG, it's end of january already! must pass qualifier exam....must wrap and send gifts to loved ones.....must get anniversary gift.....must be prepared for February....must get back on the lab experimenting horse.....must get back to reality!"
"holy #$%^! it's almost March! wait, it is March - how did that happen?! ok, St. Patty's day green stuff extravaganza - check! ok, March madness basketball thingamajigie small talk - check! back onto work wagon and getting some stuff done - done! continue to add things to list of things that will not be done in the near future and very possibly will never get done, unless due to unusual circumstances - check!"
"g**da**it! what the hell happened to the last week in March and first week in April?! i'm serious, where did the time go? why must the universe forsaken me? why have i lost my sense of 'time' or 'progression'? *sighhhhhh*"
As the above paragraphs clarify, I somehow lived the first third of 2009 without really feeling it. Interesting, isn't it? Downright scary, eh? Is someone drugging my soymilk? 'Who are you and why am I in this handbasket?'
Well, that about sums up how I feel in recent days. Hope everyone else is doing better!
Monday, March 23, 2009
blogging for the sake of blogging
ahhhh! mondays are the hardest! argh!
and then i found this website to watch movies on and it totally just changed formats on me mid-movie....what the hell?
too much to deal with on a monday....
sigh....hopefully, i'll have more to report on later this week in a more concise and readable fashion.
and then i found this website to watch movies on and it totally just changed formats on me mid-movie....what the hell?
too much to deal with on a monday....
sigh....hopefully, i'll have more to report on later this week in a more concise and readable fashion.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Ideas
I thought of a couple of good ideas for discussion yesterday but after a night of drinking and a day of sleeping, I've lost them. Perhaps, they'll resurface sometime soon.
I just updated myself on my cousin's trip to Shanghai - semester abroad program. I am living vicariously through her experience so it's important that I avidly read her blogs and drool over the pictures she has taken of that gorgeous city. Living vicariously in 2 ways: 1) I've always wanted to study abroad, in HS and in college, but due to familial obligations and financial restrictions, it never happened...2) the actual destination itself, I watched Chinese movies growing up and there is so much sociological landmarks of history in Shanghai..I mean there are plenty all throughout China in various cities, big and small, but Shanghai is one of the fastest growing cities in China and one that was uniquely influenced in socially by westerners. Of course, I would brush up on the details before I head over there so that I can better enjoy the "wow" factor of everything I see. But that's that and is not going to happen this year. Why, you ask? Well, let's see. April - lab work planned, bachelorette party in NYC, family visiting Rochester; May - lab work planned, lab meeting, wedding in NJ; June - lab work planned, departmental seminar, wedding in FL; July - lab work planned, 80th birthday celebration cruise to Bermuda; August - annual beach outing with NJies and of course lab work that was planned ahead.
*Sigh* I mean, don't get me wrong. I am going to enjoy each and every one of the events I have mentioned above. It's just that sometimes I feel like if I carry out my wishes imminently, I will forget, get caught up in daily/weekly/monthly routines, and never go on that "awesome" trip.
Instant gratification is one phrase I use to describe my feelings but now I know it's doesn't encompass all the emotions I feel when I think I may not get something done. However, I was thinking just today how much I am like a child. I mean, those who know me well will agree to a certain extent. Specifically, today, I was thinking about how I can't seem to focus on my research training and hence soon-to-be career. I want to try so many different things, like a kid! Just trying, not actually trying to see if I like it (of course, part of it is for that reason). I understand that as you grow older, you will maintain a certain degree of curiosity. "Tendency to try new things is a good thing to have, to spice up your life", some might say. But what if I never learned how to find a subject or line of work I really like and just follow through with it? Which I'm pretty sure right about now, it is my issue. My father has always been a procrastinator and never really one to finish up a project, even the promising ones. I've realized recently that I bear the same character traits but luckily I was given the chance to go to a magnet high school, college, and graduate school. All three institutions that provided me with an environment to learn and grow and become more independent. However, as I approach higher education and more independent thinking was required, I found myself faltering. I wasn't sure if I want to go through with it. Doubts filled my mind. Correction: I AM not sure if I want to go through with this and doubts fill my mind as we type. The big question with no definite answer: is this the right path for me?
Yes, we're back to that. Because it's my life! It's what I have face every morning when I get up to go to work and every night when I go to bed. So, I come to this conclusion so far. I still have no answer for my question. However, I conclude that I must complete this Ph.D. training program and receive my degree. It is in my best interest to do so. That is definite. I think...I know?
And then I swear to the trees and birds, that I will visit Shanghai one day.
I just updated myself on my cousin's trip to Shanghai - semester abroad program. I am living vicariously through her experience so it's important that I avidly read her blogs and drool over the pictures she has taken of that gorgeous city. Living vicariously in 2 ways: 1) I've always wanted to study abroad, in HS and in college, but due to familial obligations and financial restrictions, it never happened...2) the actual destination itself, I watched Chinese movies growing up and there is so much sociological landmarks of history in Shanghai..I mean there are plenty all throughout China in various cities, big and small, but Shanghai is one of the fastest growing cities in China and one that was uniquely influenced in socially by westerners. Of course, I would brush up on the details before I head over there so that I can better enjoy the "wow" factor of everything I see. But that's that and is not going to happen this year. Why, you ask? Well, let's see. April - lab work planned, bachelorette party in NYC, family visiting Rochester; May - lab work planned, lab meeting, wedding in NJ; June - lab work planned, departmental seminar, wedding in FL; July - lab work planned, 80th birthday celebration cruise to Bermuda; August - annual beach outing with NJies and of course lab work that was planned ahead.
*Sigh* I mean, don't get me wrong. I am going to enjoy each and every one of the events I have mentioned above. It's just that sometimes I feel like if I carry out my wishes imminently, I will forget, get caught up in daily/weekly/monthly routines, and never go on that "awesome" trip.
Instant gratification is one phrase I use to describe my feelings but now I know it's doesn't encompass all the emotions I feel when I think I may not get something done. However, I was thinking just today how much I am like a child. I mean, those who know me well will agree to a certain extent. Specifically, today, I was thinking about how I can't seem to focus on my research training and hence soon-to-be career. I want to try so many different things, like a kid! Just trying, not actually trying to see if I like it (of course, part of it is for that reason). I understand that as you grow older, you will maintain a certain degree of curiosity. "Tendency to try new things is a good thing to have, to spice up your life", some might say. But what if I never learned how to find a subject or line of work I really like and just follow through with it? Which I'm pretty sure right about now, it is my issue. My father has always been a procrastinator and never really one to finish up a project, even the promising ones. I've realized recently that I bear the same character traits but luckily I was given the chance to go to a magnet high school, college, and graduate school. All three institutions that provided me with an environment to learn and grow and become more independent. However, as I approach higher education and more independent thinking was required, I found myself faltering. I wasn't sure if I want to go through with it. Doubts filled my mind. Correction: I AM not sure if I want to go through with this and doubts fill my mind as we type. The big question with no definite answer: is this the right path for me?
Yes, we're back to that. Because it's my life! It's what I have face every morning when I get up to go to work and every night when I go to bed. So, I come to this conclusion so far. I still have no answer for my question. However, I conclude that I must complete this Ph.D. training program and receive my degree. It is in my best interest to do so. That is definite. I think...I know?
And then I swear to the trees and birds, that I will visit Shanghai one day.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Appetite
It's really weird.
I took a big bite out of the inside of my lower lip while I was eating my salad Tuesday night. Two unbearable canker sores have developed, marking where I bit myself; just in case I forgot how careless I was - chewing! Sigh....
However, that is not the weird part. The thing is, I notice today how I have been eating nonstop. I had a full breakfast, a cup of tea, a complete lunch, and snacks throughout the afternoon. I don't usually eat this much at work! I believe I am subconsciously eating to distract myself from 1) messing with the sores and 2) the pain when the insides of my lips accidentally brush up against my bottom row of teeth in just the wrong way.
It is entirely possible that I am just hungry today. I doubt it because I have not done anything that would make me hungry. Ah well, the mysteries of life - I hope my lips will mysteriously heal overnight. (I guess I should stop coating the open wounds in balsamic vinegar and grapefruit juice then.)
I took a big bite out of the inside of my lower lip while I was eating my salad Tuesday night. Two unbearable canker sores have developed, marking where I bit myself; just in case I forgot how careless I was - chewing! Sigh....
However, that is not the weird part. The thing is, I notice today how I have been eating nonstop. I had a full breakfast, a cup of tea, a complete lunch, and snacks throughout the afternoon. I don't usually eat this much at work! I believe I am subconsciously eating to distract myself from 1) messing with the sores and 2) the pain when the insides of my lips accidentally brush up against my bottom row of teeth in just the wrong way.
It is entirely possible that I am just hungry today. I doubt it because I have not done anything that would make me hungry. Ah well, the mysteries of life - I hope my lips will mysteriously heal overnight. (I guess I should stop coating the open wounds in balsamic vinegar and grapefruit juice then.)
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Wednesday night...
It's Wednesday night. What does that normally mean for you? For me, I have a show that I typically watch - Criminal Minds. It's interesting due to its capture of the profiling aspect of FBI taskforces. Sometimes I like to play psychologist so that's probably why I became intrigued with this show. *shrug* Why do people want to excel in certain areas - medicine, journalism, psychology, research, literature, cinema, theater, music? What is their motivation? Of course, there's the obvious answer - it's their interest, their obsession. But what about those who do not live or breathe their career? They just excel. Why? I mean, why do we humans want to do better? What is that urge, I mean besides evolution? *shrug*
Alright, so these questions are not coming from nowhere. For a long time, I have been trying to figure out what I am trying to do with my life? Revisiting my path to graduate school. How did I get here? Was it just a chain of serendipitous incidents? Of course not. There had to have been conscious decisions mixed in. I don't think I ever had a clear idea of where I want to go in life. THAT is the problem. I still have no idea where I want to go. I watch every one in my lab go about their business - some just using this experience as a stepping stone in their path, some are realistic about their time here and want to soak up as much knowledge as they can, and some are there for the ride until they find out that they really belong there or that they do not.
By the way, I've lost track of my thoughts. So that's all for now.
*shrug*
Alright, so these questions are not coming from nowhere. For a long time, I have been trying to figure out what I am trying to do with my life? Revisiting my path to graduate school. How did I get here? Was it just a chain of serendipitous incidents? Of course not. There had to have been conscious decisions mixed in. I don't think I ever had a clear idea of where I want to go in life. THAT is the problem. I still have no idea where I want to go. I watch every one in my lab go about their business - some just using this experience as a stepping stone in their path, some are realistic about their time here and want to soak up as much knowledge as they can, and some are there for the ride until they find out that they really belong there or that they do not.
By the way, I've lost track of my thoughts. So that's all for now.
*shrug*
Caffeine
Well, so I have come to believe that I am currently rambling due to ingestion of Chai which lead to an overdose of caffeine and sugar.
The End.
(To be updated later.)
The End.
(To be updated later.)
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